The above is an amazing breakdown of the phases/stages of the journey to secure. I'm paraphrasing here but it generally follows as such...
1. Unconscious Insecurity
2. Conscious Insecurity
3. Conscious Security
4. Unconscious Security
And its REEEEAALLY important to know where you land when engaging with others.
What does this mean?
If you're at level 1 and 2, you are almost certainly still a slave to your attachment wounds and reactions.
At level 1, unconscious insecurity, you don't even know how insecure you are. You are literally unaware of the wound, and unaware of how these wounds effect your behavior. This means you are almost certainly REACTIVE vs. RESPONSIVE. This means the stories and beliefs your attachment wound has created are running the show, and its likely you'll be triggered by anything or anyone who hits your pain points in just the right way. You will be an endless train of emotional reaction.
At level 2, Conscious insecurity, things really aren't that much different, with the exception that you are aware of whats going on when you lose your shit. Maybe. But being conscious of the wounds, and WHY you behave as you do, does not mean you have the ABILITY to take different action, although it's the first step in that direction. You are still reactive, even if you are watching it happen. And you probably still believe some of the stories and ideas that stem from your insecurity are true.
If you are at level 1 or 2, the hard reality is that you are probably contributing more to continuing pain than you are to healing. No blame here, just reality. Its not your fault, but at these stages you just don't know any better. But if you're doing the work, you're on the way.
If you have really started on the road of inner work you're probably at level 3.
At level 3, now you are doing the work. Now you know your wounds, you know you're triggers and reactions, and you are making a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to shift.
This is an important level to pay attention too. This is the MINIMUM of where we must be operating from to create harmony and cohesion.
At level 3 you MUST question your reactions. You MUST question your beliefs about what's "right" and "wrong"(although I'd advise dropping right and wrong completely). You MUST question your stories and ideas of what's healthy and what's not. You MUST question YOURSELF.
Because at this level you will have realized that some of the things you thought about love and romance and blah blah blah....are just not true. Not completely at least. At this level you realize that the way you have been operating DOESNT WORK! And to find what does work, you have to sort through and let go of the things you've been holding onto FROM A PLACE of Insecurity.
As someone who leans anxious, the biggest example I can give from my own experience, is letting go of my insecure fantasies about love and "having someone who's always there"
IT DOESNT WORK!
Not from a secure perspective at least. Sure I could hold on with a suffocating grasp to this idea. But I'd be almost certainly be creating more PAIN for myself, because this is NOT how secure relating works.
WHEN ENGAGING THE WORLD...
Remember it's FILLED with people with wounds. And if you are working on attachment stuff, YOU are showing up with your own personal bag of shit to sort through and work out. So is everyone else.
Everyone is hurting in some way. Everyone lands somewhere on this security phase spectrum. Everyone is wounded, andiving their lives, making posts, or reacting to others posts, FROM that wounded place.
And everyone (hopefully) has the aim and goal to heal and become more secure.
But it's going to be a messy process at first.. People are gonna say shit that triggers you. People are gonna say and do shit that hurts you. People are gonna have perspectives that seem 180° from what you believe is true.
Just get an anxious person and avoidant person talking about love and you'll see.
But what matters is how YOU hold and carry yourself. What matters is what kinds of judgements and evaluations YOU cast on other peoples thoughts and words. And if you are REALLY seeking security, than at some point you will have to pick up responsibility for your own triggers and reactions.
The path to security isn't about pointing out everyone else's insecure shit.
Its about smelling your own shit and doing something about it.
Remember that Secure people form almost a type of social glue between everyone else. If you think about this even for a minute, you'll realize this means secure people have to deal with EVERYONE ELSES INSECURE SHIT. They are the person the anxious one turns to to vent, and rant, and have their emotional meltdown. They are ALSO the person an avoidant(might) turn to, to get some sense of realistic perspective.
But Secure people aren't losing their shit all over the place, every time someone insecure says or does something they don't like..are they?
No.
So if you truly are seeking security, than by default you are also demanding of yourself to become better and more skillful at managing other people's insecurity.
How?
By focusing on yourself, your path, and your healing. Sure this will mean dealing with others along the way. But ultimately its about self focus.
So the next time someone makes a post or comment, or does something you don't like that pisses you off...
SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.
Breathe. Pause.
Give yourself time to really drop into your FEELINGS, and get clear on why you're triggered.
Your reaction will NOT be a good contribution.
Sitting with yourself and your feelings, and/or seeking the help and guidance of others,, and coming to internal clarity, WILL be a good contribution, to yourself and life.
And this is a skill that takes time and practice to get good at. There are many coaches and teachers, including myself, who can help guide you to learn and practice these skills.
Use us. Ask for help. Get coaching. These are very secure things to do.
Real attachment healing is a sensitive dance between getting help from others, and doing the inner work that no one else can do for you.
So I encourage you...take charge of yourself and your reactions. And if you're struggling...
ASK. FOR. HELP.