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For Men

The Importance of Darkness

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The Importance of Darkness

(I wrote this a few years ago after a mediation I went through with someone in another community)

Whenever we witness a conflict between two people, one of the most difficult things to do is to establish what is actually happening between them.

Mostly, it’s impossible.

You might be unlucky enough to speak to one person first and hear them speak of the other person in the most demonizing ways they can. And this will play into any biases you already have about any group they might appear to be a part of.

What happens when the person being demonized is a man? How easy is it to perceive them according to the new narratives emerging about them? About us?

I’ve spent 30 years digging deep into myself around this, from the time I was with my first and second girlfriend, both having been assaulted and abused by men. And during these years, I explored not only the ways there might be such a dangerous man inside of me, but also the ways he might be inside of other men.

30 years of exploring my own misandry.

Because yes, we men are capable of such things.

But not because we are men.

Over the years, I learned that violence, awfulness, and abuse are not just the domain of men, they are the domain of humans.

And women are just as capable of such things. It may look different, but there’s no less primal and tribal capacity for such things in them. Not that the current narrative about women would allow you to see this. No, patriarchy is all about men… and those who raised them. Right?

Everyone can be awful. Or awful to each other. And the more I explore the nature of conflict, the more I realize this. Whatever the reasons are--self-preservation, safety, reason, protection, morality, purpose, etc--we are capable of exacting really awful things on each other even while we believe we are doing good or well or right or simply the best we can.

The mistake we make is to believe we have risen above this limbic pit.

We haven’t.

All I can say is this: conflict arises when we can’t find a better way, when we don’t understand, when we’re mislead, when we’re unable to really get what’s happening on the other side. So we make assumptions. We judge. We call out. We dismiss. We hate. We demonize. We abandon all hope and throw away the key.

And the result is, we go deeper into our judgment that the other person is *so* other that they are no longer allowed to exist. Or be. Or have their own life where they get to find their way back to the light from whatever dark mess they found themselves in. From whatever mess WE found ourselves in.

Because we aren’t any better. At one point or another we have been or will be in the same place, where others will demonize us and say they are correct about our demon blood, and we’ll hopefully remember that this--their view--is just a small window into our world, that there’s a whole lot more to us than they believe. And if we’ve been in the muck before, we’ll just thank them, acknowledge our darkness, and ask them to show us their demons.

And we’ll finally see each other as we hate each other.

But if we don’t kill each other then, there will be one more step. The impossible step.

Hate and love--or at least compassion, understanding, and generosity-- aren’t that different from one another, but it’s a bit of a mind and heart fuck. It’s available when we know their darkness and our darkness isn’t that different even though it is unique and personal. Their suffering and our suffering. Their shadows and our shadows.

This is why the path of mediation works.

Because it allows us to go beyond the competition of “what happened” into the messy reality of how it felt, how it messed with us, and of how it happened in the first place if the mystery of it isn’t so deep in our shadows that we can bear to feel into the truth of who we were and probably still are in it.

Because the path of mediation is a path of intimacy with those we would rather keep separate from us.

Because the path of mediation is a path back to our own inner monster.

To connect with him and to get to know him a bit better. So that he no longers drives us.

So that we can finally work together and integrate him.

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Your Work is Your Responsibility

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Your Work is Your Responsibility

(this article was originally posted by Nile Abasi on June 5, 2020)

I have a lot to say about the events occurring in the world right now -- much of which is contrary to any political agenda or 'correctness'. I believe some of what I have to say will be confronting to many, and if I'm honest part of me is afraid of being crucified for going against the grain of my primary liberal community but ultimately -- I am more committed to living truthfully and being honest than I am to being liked (although I have to admit, I do like it when you like me).

For those of you who don't know I'm the product of a biracial lesbian couple conceived in the heart of the nineties (close to the times of the Rodney King riots).

One of my mom's (my birth mom) is a white woman with blonde hair and blue eyes from Shaker Heights Ohio, and my other mom is a black woman from South Central LA (Compton). From birth I was raised and influenced by two completely opposing cultural backgrounds.

My biological father was a sperm donor. He is a black man I know very little about other than he was studying to become a lawyer, had high cheekbones and a nice smile.

(click the title to read the rest)

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How I Rediscovered Platonic Touch As a Father, and How This Matters for the Consent Culture of Tomorrow

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How I Rediscovered Platonic Touch As a Father, and How This Matters for the Consent Culture of Tomorrow

by Philippe Lewis

This article was also posted on the Good Men Project.

You might have read articles about about how boys and men -- at least in the US if not in the western world -- are deprived of touch because of the scripts that narrowly define masculinity, manhood, what a man does and what a man wants (Here’s three: here, here, and here).

I, too, have experienced some version of it, and this is my story.

I grew up in Canada, a progressive country, in a progressive family. I went to schools that taught morals alongside catechism (students could pick either), personal development, and the social side of sex education (not just the biology). My parents never said to me “Be a man!”, never shamed me for crying (both of them cried in front of us), and never taught me and my sister the scripts of masculinity or femininity. If anything, they taught us what it looks like to be a family and making things work by doing the best we can and getting help when we couldn’t.

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How To Show Up For The #MeToo Movement

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How To Show Up For The #MeToo Movement

by Philippe Lewis

It seems like everywhere the #metoo movement is leaving men wondering what to do – which is not surprising given that men like to DO things. Sometimes, of course, the incessant doing of men can get in the way and camouflage a feeling of inadequacy or a need to get attention. However, there are men out there who are truly seeing how much work there is to do and are simply ready, willing, and (hopefully somewhat) able to take action, and just need a sense of direction. Because, while this article may be preaching to a choir of clear conscious healthy men (as opposed to their pale substitute, the Sensitive New Age Guy, or SNAG or other types – and then again, even conscious men are apparently committing assault), there’s a multitude of men who are just waking up and looking to make a responsible and healthy difference.

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Men, Your Erection Is Not A Sacred Cow

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Men, Your Erection Is Not A Sacred Cow

(PS: AND BLUE BALLS ARE A POOR EXCUSE FOR WANTING SEX)

by Philippe Lewis

Our society has evolved you to think that your erection is a sacred thing.

When you are hard, women are told that something needs to happen: you need to be pleasured, touched, you need to fuck, hump, grind. Everyone has to do something about it.

When you are soft, it apparently means you're not interested or that the person who is with you is not doing something right, not hot enough, not touching you right, not doing what you want in bed. It's someone else's fault.

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You Are Enough

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You Are Enough

I know that (some of) you want me or a man or another person to tell you you are enough, to know what someone outside of you believes that you are perfect as you are, that you are worth it. 

But it's not for me to say. 

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Are You Ready To Show Up Powerfully For Women?

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Are You Ready To Show Up Powerfully For Women?

by Philippe Lewis

Showing up powerfully for women means supporting them in a way that increases their power and freedom.

To support and empower women, you need to learn to "get" them so that when they grow and learn and face challenges and get triggered, you move with them without surprise, without reaction, without fear. 

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Thank You For Your Trust

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Thank You For Your Trust

by Philippe Lewis

Thank you for your trust. Like for many women, I get that it might not be easy to allow a man to get close to you, to touch you or have sex with you, that it is a big deal to let me in because even though you've developed amazing discernment skills to figure out which man is for real and which man isn't, there's still a chance a man will come in under the radar and take something from you because he feels entitled to your body or your heart. I get it's not easy to tell if I'm one of those men or not, regardless of what I say or do.

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Graceful Connections: The 5 keys to What Women Want

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Graceful Connections: The 5 keys to What Women Want

by Philippe Lewis

Last summer, I went to a festival with a lover. As I picked her up from the airport and first saw her, something in my body shifted, a pleasurable feeling arose. I said “How do you feel?”. She said “I’m so excited to see you!”. As her words sunk in (and lips connected with mine), they met with the feelings in my body, confirming what I already knew. I asked “What would you like most for the weekend?”, and she responded “For us to dance and make friends and enjoy each other deeply! But I will need to get some good sleep too -- I had a big week!”. Again, all of her words, body and gaze spoke to me of a particular “way” that she was, right at that moment, moving in a certain direction, with some internal “destination” in mind. I was reading her with all my senses, and all that she was expressing every moment was confirming that I was reading her well. “I might need to keep you up longer than you think”, I said with a wink, and her response was, with a beaming smile, “Not if I’m the one keeping YOU up!”.  

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